I get it. We are going to disappoint people we love. It usually isn't our intent, and sometimes we stick to our innocence rather than apologizing. It's annoying. We didn't mean to hurt them, but when you love someone and you want to maintain a relationship with them, it's important to acknowledge their feelings. That's the best we can do. There are times when people would rather cling to their pain than repair the relationship. When this happens, we are the ones who are disappointed. In some cases people come around and choose to forgive us, but we have no control over that.
My mother and I were very close until I decided to get married. She wasn't one to talk about her feelings with me, but I knew she was afraid that I would abandon her. What I hadn't expected was that she would proactively pull away from me like she had from her parents and siblings. When I told her I was angry, confused and disappointed that she wouldn't give Steven a chance, she said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way."
While her intent may not have been to hurt me, she did. Rather than apologize for her impact and try to repair the relationship, she took no responsibility for hurting me. We didn't fight, but our relationship was never the same. That was her choice, even if it was unconscious. Should could have examined her behavior and admit she was motivated by fear and I would have forgiven her. But she never acknowledged she hurt me.
That's not the same as. your situation. You may have disappointed someone you love, but it sounds like you apologized and took responsibility for hurting them. If they don't want to accept the apology and repair the relationship, there's nothing else you can do. It seems like they just want to feel hurt and angry. Maybe they just need more time with those feelings, but it doesn't make sense to be their punching bag.
We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. You could say, "I hear that I hurt you and I am so sorry. I wish I could change the past but I can't. When/if you ever want to try and (re)build a relationship, I'm here." That's the best we can do, and forgive ourselves for not being perfect parents/people. I think you are awesome, Mesa.
No worries…disappoint away. Feel free to disappoint everyone and anyone, as long as you don’t disappoint yourself. Everyone else’s expectations of you are their problem, not yours. If you commit to something, that’s a bit different. But unspoken, unagreed-to expectations are not your burden to carry. Be sure to drop those off with whomever never asked for your input 😊
My disappointments have two levels: personal and familial. On the familial level, for my grandparents, I may be a disappointment, because I'm both failing to live with my parents until I find a husband and leave my parents' nest, and want to leave them like my brother's (I'm my parents' firstborn and only daughter, and my siblings are my two younger brothers). On the personal level, I feel like a disappointment, for failing to reach my countless goals, and becoming a better version of myself. These are my inner talks, not what my parents have told me.
Sometimes disappointment is more painful than anger, especially when it is directed towards you. We all set some expectations and have to also meet some, often impossible ones. Would be quite relieving to let them all go.
I get it. We are going to disappoint people we love. It usually isn't our intent, and sometimes we stick to our innocence rather than apologizing. It's annoying. We didn't mean to hurt them, but when you love someone and you want to maintain a relationship with them, it's important to acknowledge their feelings. That's the best we can do. There are times when people would rather cling to their pain than repair the relationship. When this happens, we are the ones who are disappointed. In some cases people come around and choose to forgive us, but we have no control over that.
My mother and I were very close until I decided to get married. She wasn't one to talk about her feelings with me, but I knew she was afraid that I would abandon her. What I hadn't expected was that she would proactively pull away from me like she had from her parents and siblings. When I told her I was angry, confused and disappointed that she wouldn't give Steven a chance, she said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way."
While her intent may not have been to hurt me, she did. Rather than apologize for her impact and try to repair the relationship, she took no responsibility for hurting me. We didn't fight, but our relationship was never the same. That was her choice, even if it was unconscious. Should could have examined her behavior and admit she was motivated by fear and I would have forgiven her. But she never acknowledged she hurt me.
That's not the same as. your situation. You may have disappointed someone you love, but it sounds like you apologized and took responsibility for hurting them. If they don't want to accept the apology and repair the relationship, there's nothing else you can do. It seems like they just want to feel hurt and angry. Maybe they just need more time with those feelings, but it doesn't make sense to be their punching bag.
We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. You could say, "I hear that I hurt you and I am so sorry. I wish I could change the past but I can't. When/if you ever want to try and (re)build a relationship, I'm here." That's the best we can do, and forgive ourselves for not being perfect parents/people. I think you are awesome, Mesa.
That’s the thing- I won’t be a punching bag. I appreciate you and sharing your experience and thoughts with me. I’m grateful for you! 🩵
No worries…disappoint away. Feel free to disappoint everyone and anyone, as long as you don’t disappoint yourself. Everyone else’s expectations of you are their problem, not yours. If you commit to something, that’s a bit different. But unspoken, unagreed-to expectations are not your burden to carry. Be sure to drop those off with whomever never asked for your input 😊
Yessssss Angie!!! Thank you!! 😊 🤗
Sister in the art of disappointment here. Thank you for expressing this so well. Hugs to you.💛💕🥰
🫂❤️🩹🩵
My disappointments have two levels: personal and familial. On the familial level, for my grandparents, I may be a disappointment, because I'm both failing to live with my parents until I find a husband and leave my parents' nest, and want to leave them like my brother's (I'm my parents' firstborn and only daughter, and my siblings are my two younger brothers). On the personal level, I feel like a disappointment, for failing to reach my countless goals, and becoming a better version of myself. These are my inner talks, not what my parents have told me.
Sometimes disappointment is more painful than anger, especially when it is directed towards you. We all set some expectations and have to also meet some, often impossible ones. Would be quite relieving to let them all go.
Way to have your own back, my friend!
Thank you, Holly! ❤️🩹