Sometimes I get it wrong. The thing I want to say is not what actually comes out of my face or out of my fingers. And when that happens, I own it. I do not run from getting it wrong, it’s part of being human - we fuck up sometimes. Consider this your cosmic permission slip to own your mistakes.
You might be wondering what I did. All I can tell you dear reader friend is that it’s never just one thing.
On being slightly misinterpreted
I was contemplating this morning about how misinterpreted we all can be sometimes, occasionally it’s innocuous and doesn’t amount to anything other than a whoopsie. Example - I posted a Note last night about having to write the intro to my memoir and how my brain was not letting my words fall out. I made a statement that I wanted my book to change my life with a following statement about it being too much to ask. In my head I heard my sarcasm, but it did not translate to the page. I forget that I am a stranger on the internet and people cannot hear me. I have since added a parenthetical to include the sarcasm tone with which it should be taken. However, it lead people to provide me with some really great advice and ideas to becoming unstuck, all of which I am grateful for.
I laughed about it to my husband though because it made me realize just how much I live inside my own head. Also making me realize I need to pay closer attention to my words and how I choose to use them. I tend to let words loose to say something, anything really, because it’s how I connect, how we mostly all connect- though there are a great many ways to connect without words too.
On getting it wrong in a bigger way
The times when I have made larger mistakes in saying things is typically when I am in a chaotic state and allowing upset emotions to rule me. As nice and sweet and kind as I am, I can also be quite vicious. I am not proud of that part of me and I do my very best to not be that way when feeling provoked, but I am not perfect and am very much human when it comes to feeling/perceiving being attacked. In those moments I can feel something else take over and say a lot of things that are only aimed at maiming the other. Inevitably the shame kicks in once I snap out of that state and I beg forgiveness. Because really, even in anger it’s never justified to say or do things that hurt another. I used to be a thrower of things as well, many a remote and cordless phone have RIP’d because of me. Thankfully I outgrew that years ago.
When I break down the why’s behind it all (thank you psychology degrees for coming in handy), I am able to recognize my patterns and mostly preemptively break them before I get beyond the point of saying the things. It usually looks like this:
Person: Says something I take as an attack
Me: Feels the emotion of “wait, wtf, what did they just say to me?!” and before I respond - I take a beat, take a breath, ask for clarification, and behave accordingly. If I’m angry, I will stop the conversation and say I need a minute or two or an hour or two to calm myself down. If I am provoked some more, I will just shut down completely and pretend the other person doesn’t exist for a little while. I don’t like the shut down side, it’s painful. But it’s less destructive.
In the online world, I don’t allow myself to become provoked anymore. If someone decides they don’t like me or what I have said about something and they feel like attacking me or being a dick, I just block now. Much better for my health.
I admit though, I have gotten it wrong in the online space too. I unnecessarily attacked someone in a comment in one of my posts because I completely missed that she was answering a question I had asked and her answer triggered in me a response where I had perceived she was speaking about me to me…which was not the case at all. I profusely apologized to her, but I still feel the stinging shame of having gotten it so wrong.
Being human and making mistakes is sometimes really hard. That is not anything new, but just something that I have to constantly remember.
On writing my memoir and fear
I have written before about the fear associated with telling my story, it seems to be a universal theme with anyone writing their life down. The irony in it is that the whole thing is about letting the words fall out so that fear can no longer silence me. And yet, and still, here I am with fear riding shotgun for now.
I keep thinking about the piece I wrote eight years ago, titled Please Stop Saying Suicide is Selfish, and in the comments I had someone say to me to essentially go off myself. One of the harshest things to say to a suicide survivor. The comment has stuck with me as a reminder that this place can be cruel, but.. there are hundreds and hundreds of comments from survivors and family members and wonderful strangers who got it, who understood me. And I realize that I was writing for me, but also for them.
I do not want people to feel alone in what they go through. I do not want people to feel alone in their suffering. I write to connect. I write to save myself. I write so that I don’t die. I write my way through things now, because it is what I know how to do. And even though I might be a little bit afraid of what’s going to fall out of my fingers and how it might be perceived or misinterpreted, it doesn’t matter in the end.
I’m doing it anyway.
On getting it right sometimes
I sometimes get it right in the best ways. I get to create connections with others that I wouldn’t otherwise have because I took a chance with my words. I have been lucky enough to have persuaded people to change their minds about important issues like who to choose for president. I have sometimes been able to get people to see all the different reasons to stay here in this place. I have made friends and built relationships and shared joy - all through my words.
So that even if I get it wrong sometimes, all the rightness outweighs the rest.
And that’s what I carry with me - the hearts and minds of all the people who find themselves somewhere in my hodgepodge of words on the page/screen. My words making someone feel seen is the most rightness there is - in my humble opinion :).
I hope I do that for you, the one reading this. I hope you feel even a little bit seen here.
Dear friends - do you ever feel like you get it wrong? What do you love most about connecting with others? Or are you introverted and stay away from humans and only love animals instead? Tell me about it in the comments! I love hearing your thoughts and experiences.
Thank you for being here and for lending me your time and attention. I appreciate you for every second you give me. If you’re finding value here please feel free to share my work with someone you might think would enjoy it too! And if you’re feeling up to it, send a paid subscription my way or if subs aren’t your thing you can always just send a One Time Donation- PayPal me♥️ Or none of the above and just hang out with my words :) I’m forever grateful you’re here and supporting me! Big love to you. Hope you’re taking great care.
Oh yesssss, tone on the internet is such a thing! It's interesting to think about how we form words when they can't be heard. I'm pretty sure I have been misinterpreted more times than I can count! Love you, and your words, however they come out.
Subtleties of tone and personality can be missed entirely or misunderstood on the interwebs. Been there. You are magical and so are your words. Love you. 🥰