I woke up one morning to find that I had been betrayed. Overnight my body began to change and when I looked in the mirror I saw things that hadn't been there the days, weeks, months, years before. Changes I don't understand and now have to seek answers for. It's as though my body heard all the wounded words i’d whispered and shouted at her for most of my life. Now she’s rebelling.
A home for my mind and heart, but a will of her own. I owe her so many apologies. I failed her so often and now it’s time for a reckoning.
I lost my pride today. I gave it away to the wind. I don't need it anymore. I just need a body that won't betray me. I want to learn to trust her again. I want to love her. Me. I want to love me.
I always scoffed at the notion that self love was a necessity. I was wrong.
I keep forgetting to listen to her. I’m getting better at it though, I’m learning to hear her through unconditional love. She keeps reminding me that she’s right here, she’s always been right here. Today I heard Love tell me that it’s okay, that i’m okay, always. I'm learning to believe that.
’s Substack Letters from Love is about worry today. She and Maya Popa read beautiful letters about letting worry go. They gave permission for me to do the same, without intending to. My own letter from Love was a reminder that worry is from a place of fear, and that is what i’m releasing today.I may have felt betrayed by a rebellious body, but really she’s done nothing wrong. She has carried me on sturdy legs and helped me house two babies, she’s fought for air and time and love and life. She’s not done yet.
I'm not done yet. I just need more time to get to know and love the me that inhabits this space and this time.
Maybe it’s not betrayal, instead it’s the truth of what happens when you focus so much outside, you lose sight of your insides. I have a relentlessly hopeful heart and a fiercely optimistic mind. And long deep breaths to draw. For now, that's enough. And now it’s time I let unconditional love in.
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I'm curious- have you ever felt betrayed by your body? What are your thoughts on self love? Are you able to get quiet enough to listen to yourself?
For me the ultimate betrayal came when I was 13 (I featured that day on my own Substack) . The betrayal for me was entering puberty as a female and all that goes along with it. As someone who had always had a male brain it was extremely hard to deal with. It took me many many years to understand my 'predicament' and bring my body into alignment with my mind.
When faced with obstacles I turn inward. I have since I was young. I’m learning to embrace speaking endearments and humor to my temple, my body, this miracle of who knows how really became medicine is not an exact science. Liz and you and the Lovelets all are wise guides in the Letters from Love practice. Like almost everything in life, I’m ever changing and morphing in surprising, fun, and not so fun ways. The messy of being alive is so real and your sensory experiences you describe here are so familiar to me as a fellow human doing the best I can in a surrender dance of “letting go” of control and embracing surrender and writing through it all. Thank you for these nuggets of wise counsel and heart opening practices and observations. Honored to call you, friend.