(Summer of 1997, right after graduation, holding onto my dog Bearface)
She’s still there, this haunted girl, she lives in the pieces of me that longs for midnight car rides and losing myself in live music and feeling like nothing matters more than the moment you’re in right now.
I was sitting on the floor coloring, feeling lost and scared in this picture. I was facing a new life and I was out of control. My mental health was not stable and I was going through life flying by the seat of my pants, not thinking through any of my decisions. To be honest I didn’t know how. I thought I was free because I was an “adult”, immediately thrust into a world that was the same, but wholly different because every single decision from this moment forward would forever impact my entire life. I wasn’t free. I was confused and terrified. I masked that fear by running wild at night and refusing to care about consequences.
Capricious youth taught me a million life lessons. I’m grateful for each of them now, especially for the carefree me that I can see behind the fear here. She’s still there, still me, just a little more cautious and a smidge more wise ❤️ I still love to color and hold puppies, I still love layered hair, and I still remember the way it felt to sometimes let go of the fear ❤
️Dear reader friends - if you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
Thanks for indulging me as I look back, this is what happens when I pick up my memoir writing again, the past comes sweeping in.
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I will tell my younger self some things:
1. "Don't think your being fat lessens your worth as a person (i was a chubby baby when i was born, therefore, i look fat a little bit)".
2. "There's nothing wrong with being different. It's totally natural that some people aren't the same as others".
3."Don't try to fit in. Either find your tribe or create one for yourself".
Contrary to what everyone says, I would tell my younger self that life is long, slow down, pay attention to the people in your life.