I am a mother and a daughter (in-law) who within the last year set firm boundaries with my very Trumpist in-laws. I was super close to my mother in law. We confronted them and suffice to say it didnāt go well. They went from loving and involved to bitter and absent overnight because we questioned the cult. That part hurts the most- they didnāt even fight for our kids they claimed to love, though they were never cut off from them. Never an apology, an āI was wrongā- nothing. Even now, any repair efforts on their part would go a long way, but have never been even attempted. Theyāve made their choices crystal clear.
It sounds like you have done the work and the ball is now in their court. I would trade anything for that kind of self awareness in my MIL.
If your goal is reconciliation in that you have the bandwidth for it, Iād say never stop pursuing them. Take care of you, of course, but leave your door open and occasionally remind them. My own parents were very flawed people who made many mistakes, but they softened with age, and we always found our way back to each other. They are both gone now and I am so thankful that we did.
I truly hope that you and your children find your way back to each other.
Oh Mesa, this is so painful. Mothers get a disproportionate amount of blame and feel a disproportionate amount of guilt. Fathers are celebrated for doing the bare minimum and when they can't even do that much, they don't berate themselves and feel guilty. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to walk in the world feeling like I'm "good enough". That's my new benchmark. I will never be everything that Henry wants me to be, and that's okay. I am holding you in my heart, always. XO š„°ā¤ļøš„°ā¤ļø
I understand the way you miss your kids. Never be sorry you didn't have more money to buy your kids things. There are so many spoilt and entitled rich kids out there who have divorced their parents too.
The loss of your Mom was never anything to do with you.
Your kids cutting contact is terribly sad, but it's just what kids do now, it seems. A lot of noughties or melenials act so self-righteous. They grew up selfish and grew away.
That you still miss them like crazy tells me that you were enough, and loved them enough. It is not your fault. One day they might need you. I hope they come back then and you can all reconcile.
Heartbreaking buddy. Your mom's suicide note, feels like it was meant to hurt and it worked. But you aren't at fault. That's the addict in me talking there. We are what we are and we do the best with what we have, but we are always the center of our worlds. You can reach a hand out, but you can't make us take it. You get points for reaching out but you don't get blamed if we drown anyway. You do you. I don't have kids, and i can't even imagine how painful and hurtful that is. They have their journey and you have yours and if they're lucky, if they're really lucky, they'll wise up and see what they're missing.
This was so hard to read - and Iām sure it was infinitely harder to write.
My mom died a few weeks ago. I always knew there would be no dramatic resolution, no āclosureā, and thatās exactly how it went. There was not even a goodbye. Now itās up to me to find some sort of closure on my own. Maybe thatās how it was always meant to be. Maybe my sense of closure is mine to find and never depended on her.
Iām so sorry about the situation with your kids. The dreams you have make it clear that you havenāt stopped caring about your relationship with them. That is being a mother, even if they arenāt ready to receive it. You do not need their permission to keep loving them. I sincerely hope they will come around. I understand completely how hard it is to be willing to give your kids something you didnāt receive - which in and of itself is SO difficult to do - only to find that they arenāt ready or willing to receive it. Itās an ache and an emptiness that can only be understood by those who experience it.
Sending you lots of positive energy and good thoughts. ā¤ļø
Writing this with this level of honesty carries real weight. The ache of grief, motherhood, memory, and unresolved love runs through every section, yet what stayed with me most was the quiet persistence beneath it: broken, questioning, grieving, and still standing. The line about always loving your children, even in distance and pain, reflects how enduring love can remain complicated and steadfast at the same time. Grateful for the courage it took to bring words to something so deeply human and difficult.
Relationships are more complicated than most of us like to admit. People often cut others out of their lives while they heal to avoid triggers they donāt know how to navigate yet. Sending love. š
I am so sorry youāre going through this, Mesa. Obviously I donāt know any of the details, donāt know how old your kids are, or who might āhave their ears.ā But I know you have a huge heart. I know you are a loving person. I can feel the love for your children radiating off the page.
Life is so hard sometimes. It doesnāt unfold the way you think it will. Iām so sorry youāre holding this heartache. It sounds like there is a narrative they have about what has happened. I donāt know if itās theirs, or if itās been given to them, but I do know sometimes people get older and they get tired of sad story theyāve been lugging around. Or they get curious about whether the story is really helping them anymore, or whether it might be keeping them stuck. I guess Iām hoping this is what happens for you. Maybe one of your kids gets tired of the way things are, or gets curious, or feels the cost of being angry is heavier than the cost of forgiveness. Maybe the other one follows. Iām seeing that in my head and in my heart for you. In the meantime, Iām sending you so much love. Please be gentle with yourself.
Thank you, Ally. My kiddos are both young adults (my daughter is 26 and son 19)ā¦ Iām not sure what theyāve been told either, thatās the problem.. they both seem to have built a narrative that isnāt based on what actually went down.
Thereās other factors at play as well that I donāt want to say out loud here in case they come to read this one day.
Iām hopeful that forgiveness is on the menu soon.
"Iām not sure how my heart beats around the broken shards lodged there."
Oh Mesa. You break me open. So much love to you.
Thank you, Summer. šā¤ļøāš©¹
Painful, raw read. Wowā¦ā¦
I am a mother and a daughter (in-law) who within the last year set firm boundaries with my very Trumpist in-laws. I was super close to my mother in law. We confronted them and suffice to say it didnāt go well. They went from loving and involved to bitter and absent overnight because we questioned the cult. That part hurts the most- they didnāt even fight for our kids they claimed to love, though they were never cut off from them. Never an apology, an āI was wrongā- nothing. Even now, any repair efforts on their part would go a long way, but have never been even attempted. Theyāve made their choices crystal clear.
It sounds like you have done the work and the ball is now in their court. I would trade anything for that kind of self awareness in my MIL.
If your goal is reconciliation in that you have the bandwidth for it, Iād say never stop pursuing them. Take care of you, of course, but leave your door open and occasionally remind them. My own parents were very flawed people who made many mistakes, but they softened with age, and we always found our way back to each other. They are both gone now and I am so thankful that we did.
I truly hope that you and your children find your way back to each other.
Thank you, me too. I hope you find a way back to your MIL too. š«š©µ
Ouch. So painful, in all directions. Blessings in all this sorrow.
Thanks, Mary. ā¤ļøāš©¹
Oh Mesa, this is so painful. Mothers get a disproportionate amount of blame and feel a disproportionate amount of guilt. Fathers are celebrated for doing the bare minimum and when they can't even do that much, they don't berate themselves and feel guilty. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to walk in the world feeling like I'm "good enough". That's my new benchmark. I will never be everything that Henry wants me to be, and that's okay. I am holding you in my heart, always. XO š„°ā¤ļøš„°ā¤ļø
Thank you sweet friend. Iām with you on holding that benchmark. Love you. ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹
Oh, Mesa. Your words pierce me. Wish I could hold you close.
That sounds lovely right about now. š Thank you. I can feel that squeeze from all the way over there. š©µ
So much love for youš
Love you right back. š©µ
Feeling your heart, my friend. Thank you for sharing this with us. It just makes me love you even more. ā¤ļø
Thank you, Bonnie. Love you too. So much. š©µ
Oh Mesa. My heart is breaking right alongside of yours. Thank you for your vulnerability and for choosing to share this piece of your story. Sending you so, so, so much love ā¤ļøāš©¹
ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹ Lots of love to you too. Thank you, Deborah.
My heart hurts for you and for me. Mothers and children. Itās so hard. Love you Mesa. xo
Love you too, Nan. It is one of the hardest things. Xoxo
Yes. xo
I understand the way you miss your kids. Never be sorry you didn't have more money to buy your kids things. There are so many spoilt and entitled rich kids out there who have divorced their parents too.
The loss of your Mom was never anything to do with you.
Your kids cutting contact is terribly sad, but it's just what kids do now, it seems. A lot of noughties or melenials act so self-righteous. They grew up selfish and grew away.
That you still miss them like crazy tells me that you were enough, and loved them enough. It is not your fault. One day they might need you. I hope they come back then and you can all reconcile.
Thank you, me too. ā¤ļøāš©¹
My heart hurts for you. Iām holding space for you and sending love.ā¤ļø
Thank you, Janine š©µ
Heartbreaking buddy. Your mom's suicide note, feels like it was meant to hurt and it worked. But you aren't at fault. That's the addict in me talking there. We are what we are and we do the best with what we have, but we are always the center of our worlds. You can reach a hand out, but you can't make us take it. You get points for reaching out but you don't get blamed if we drown anyway. You do you. I don't have kids, and i can't even imagine how painful and hurtful that is. They have their journey and you have yours and if they're lucky, if they're really lucky, they'll wise up and see what they're missing.
Thank you, Jodi. I hope they do too. š©µ
This was so hard to read - and Iām sure it was infinitely harder to write.
My mom died a few weeks ago. I always knew there would be no dramatic resolution, no āclosureā, and thatās exactly how it went. There was not even a goodbye. Now itās up to me to find some sort of closure on my own. Maybe thatās how it was always meant to be. Maybe my sense of closure is mine to find and never depended on her.
Iām so sorry about the situation with your kids. The dreams you have make it clear that you havenāt stopped caring about your relationship with them. That is being a mother, even if they arenāt ready to receive it. You do not need their permission to keep loving them. I sincerely hope they will come around. I understand completely how hard it is to be willing to give your kids something you didnāt receive - which in and of itself is SO difficult to do - only to find that they arenāt ready or willing to receive it. Itās an ache and an emptiness that can only be understood by those who experience it.
Sending you lots of positive energy and good thoughts. ā¤ļø
Thank you, Erin. My heart goes out to you for your loss. I have hope. Maybe one day.
Lots of love your way. ā¤ļøāš©¹
You are a mother. Of course you are. Nothing can or will change that.
You earned those stripes.
Youāve fought in the war that puts child against parent.
If they donāt see you now, it doesnāt mean they never will.
You made difficult decisions to do what you thought was best for your children.
We cannot make our children love us. And that is their loss.
Itās time to live your life for you.
There are no rewards for sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood.
š
I love you, Jen. Thank you. ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
Writing this with this level of honesty carries real weight. The ache of grief, motherhood, memory, and unresolved love runs through every section, yet what stayed with me most was the quiet persistence beneath it: broken, questioning, grieving, and still standing. The line about always loving your children, even in distance and pain, reflects how enduring love can remain complicated and steadfast at the same time. Grateful for the courage it took to bring words to something so deeply human and difficult.
Thanks so much for your support, Rev. ā¤ļøāš©¹ā¤ļøāš©¹
Relationships are more complicated than most of us like to admit. People often cut others out of their lives while they heal to avoid triggers they donāt know how to navigate yet. Sending love. š
Thank you, Janeen. So very true. š©µ
I am so sorry youāre going through this, Mesa. Obviously I donāt know any of the details, donāt know how old your kids are, or who might āhave their ears.ā But I know you have a huge heart. I know you are a loving person. I can feel the love for your children radiating off the page.
Life is so hard sometimes. It doesnāt unfold the way you think it will. Iām so sorry youāre holding this heartache. It sounds like there is a narrative they have about what has happened. I donāt know if itās theirs, or if itās been given to them, but I do know sometimes people get older and they get tired of sad story theyāve been lugging around. Or they get curious about whether the story is really helping them anymore, or whether it might be keeping them stuck. I guess Iām hoping this is what happens for you. Maybe one of your kids gets tired of the way things are, or gets curious, or feels the cost of being angry is heavier than the cost of forgiveness. Maybe the other one follows. Iām seeing that in my head and in my heart for you. In the meantime, Iām sending you so much love. Please be gentle with yourself.
Thank you, Ally. My kiddos are both young adults (my daughter is 26 and son 19)ā¦ Iām not sure what theyāve been told either, thatās the problem.. they both seem to have built a narrative that isnāt based on what actually went down.
Thereās other factors at play as well that I donāt want to say out loud here in case they come to read this one day.
Iām hopeful that forgiveness is on the menu soon.
Thank you for your kindness and support. Appreciate you. š«ā¤ļøāš©¹