Mesa, knowing that you are in the world is very comforting. I write about a lot of things, but I have too much shame to write about this topic. I've never made an attempt and I never planned anything, but I have thought about it. I still think about it, but in terms of just disappearing. I don't know how to explain this psychic pain that bubbles to the surface sometimes. It's so hard to remember that the feeling won't last forever, but then it subsides, and I keep going. XO 🥰❤️
I’m so glad you keep going and I know that feeling you speak of very well. It bubbles up for me too. Still. I’m forever grateful that we found each other here!! ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I am a suicide survivor as well. I feel you, Mesa.
What a hush hush subject. Thank you for bringing it up.
It occurs in 2007 and the trend was to say that it was a “call for help”. I heard it over and over by psychiatrists. No, dumbheads, I wanted to end my life because my severe depression was fucking unbearable. I saw no way out & no one had enough compassion to just listen. No selfishness involved, any way it is MY life and no one else. And no “call for help” or I would have gone to the ER.
There are absolute no reason for someone wanting to end their life other than the result of unbearable suffering.
Although I am really happy to be alive and well aware I almost died, I never pondered once why I did it. It was a crystal clear action. And I wish no one this kind of suffering.
I salute your courage to engage in such conversation that is too often silenced.
Thanks to you, I am exploring all the excruciating feelings before and after my suicide. Even my psychiatrist didn’t refer to it as suicide rather as “ce fâcheux incident” (unfortunate incident). Hence, I learn to put it behind and never look at it.
What a mistake, it is where lies the true essence of my being. In here, I find the Adriadne’s thread which connects me to my calling.
This is beautiful, Mesa. Though I’m going to challenge the idea that suicide is not selfish. In my view, it is selfish. And it gets to be. We get to be selfish when we are in what feels like never ending pain. We get to be selfish when we feel no one can help us. We get to be fully self absorbed when we hunt for the light. We need it not just to survive but to thrive. Who are we to tell those that live with more pain than they know how to hold that they can not be selfish? To want them to stay is our own selfishness and we get to feel that too. We also get to feel rage that they left us and that we feel stuck dealing with the pain they no longer have to. We get to learn to be with despair and be furious when it takes us to places we don’t want to be. And we get to be deeply selfish when we ask and plead for others to hold us when we can no longer hold it all on our own. Why can’t we be selfish for wanting more light over darkness?
I selfishly want more light over darkness. And more faith over fear. I pray everyone experiences this selfishness. Including you. 💕
The animal body does not allow for suicide with ease. It will do everything to save itself from death. To be able to take the life of our own animal body takes enormous courage and strength. One I hope we can help others channel into helping themselves and each other to not feel like that is the only choice left.
This is so beautiful and sick am important message. And I'm so sorry that you've endured all that you have. And also so grateful that you've become who you are. Both/both, friend. xoxo
Thank you for this. The pain gets too hard to bear and the only way out is out. My upcoming post is on Sophocles’ Ajax. The hero kills himself because he sees no place for himself in a world that’s changed. The playwright leaves it up to us to decide how we feel about his suicide.
Wow, Mesa. You shifted me. I love that. My father died by suicide, probably. I was so angry with him for so long. Also, under that, I was hurt that I wasn't enough for him to stay for. See, I was seventeen, so I didn't blame him for not staying as much as I blamed myself for not being enough - though honestly, both were there. After decades of healing, I did blame him for not having the courage to face himself and all the damage he had done in our family. I knew how painful it would be to heal that. I thought of it more like a burn patient who has to have their dressings changed every day. Painful and necessary. In those days, I saw him as unwilling, and I think that until I read this essay by you, some of that lingered. I'm amazed by all the loss you have suffered. I don't know how you survived that. Just having the one almost killed me. And now I can see the whole incident differently. Thank you.
I was 17 when I lost my dad too. I had so much hope that he’d find a way to be in my life one day.. and fix himself too. I’m so sorry you know that pain too. But I’m so glad I could help you a little bit. ❤️🩹 I’m really glad to know you, Susan. So much love to you. ❤️🩹❤️🩹🫂
I lost a great grandfather and great uncle to sucide. I wasn’t even born so I never knew them but it helped me understand my grandmother and mother years later.
I almost lost my dad , younger brother and first cousin to sucide. I often wondered like you did if it “ runs in the family.”
My heart goes out to everyone who is in so much pain and so desperate for relief that they feel like there is only one solution.
Thank you Mesa for the work you do and the beautiful words you write
Mesa...I love this and thank you for being brave and tackling a challenging subject. The stigma of suicide needs to be changed as does the stigma of addiction. I feel strongly about both and hope I can support you in your efforts. After all, in my world, I have heard addiction described as "suicide in plain sight". And it is death by a thousand paper cuts. It is pain that we are trying to find a way out of and being told that we should be stronger or that we are morally flawed because we cannot overcome something that is heavily marketed to us as a way to escape pain and then told that "it isn't our fault you don't know how to use our product responsibly".
We are all trying to escape pain. And paid is ever more prevalent in today's world. A new definition, talking about pain instead of stigmatizing anyone's response, this is what needed to help us all find compassion for the truth that being human is the hardest job any of us will EVER have. Thank you again for the conversation.
Mesa, knowing that you are in the world is very comforting. I write about a lot of things, but I have too much shame to write about this topic. I've never made an attempt and I never planned anything, but I have thought about it. I still think about it, but in terms of just disappearing. I don't know how to explain this psychic pain that bubbles to the surface sometimes. It's so hard to remember that the feeling won't last forever, but then it subsides, and I keep going. XO 🥰❤️
I’m so glad you keep going and I know that feeling you speak of very well. It bubbles up for me too. Still. I’m forever grateful that we found each other here!! ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I’m so grateful for you. I love you.
Love you right back. <3 Thank you for your friendship. Xoxo
I am a suicide survivor as well. I feel you, Mesa.
What a hush hush subject. Thank you for bringing it up.
It occurs in 2007 and the trend was to say that it was a “call for help”. I heard it over and over by psychiatrists. No, dumbheads, I wanted to end my life because my severe depression was fucking unbearable. I saw no way out & no one had enough compassion to just listen. No selfishness involved, any way it is MY life and no one else. And no “call for help” or I would have gone to the ER.
There are absolute no reason for someone wanting to end their life other than the result of unbearable suffering.
Although I am really happy to be alive and well aware I almost died, I never pondered once why I did it. It was a crystal clear action. And I wish no one this kind of suffering.
I’m so glad you’re here, Gabriella. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I’m with you! ❤️🩹🫂
I salute your courage to engage in such conversation that is too often silenced.
Thanks to you, I am exploring all the excruciating feelings before and after my suicide. Even my psychiatrist didn’t refer to it as suicide rather as “ce fâcheux incident” (unfortunate incident). Hence, I learn to put it behind and never look at it.
What a mistake, it is where lies the true essence of my being. In here, I find the Adriadne’s thread which connects me to my calling.
This is beautiful, Mesa. Though I’m going to challenge the idea that suicide is not selfish. In my view, it is selfish. And it gets to be. We get to be selfish when we are in what feels like never ending pain. We get to be selfish when we feel no one can help us. We get to be fully self absorbed when we hunt for the light. We need it not just to survive but to thrive. Who are we to tell those that live with more pain than they know how to hold that they can not be selfish? To want them to stay is our own selfishness and we get to feel that too. We also get to feel rage that they left us and that we feel stuck dealing with the pain they no longer have to. We get to learn to be with despair and be furious when it takes us to places we don’t want to be. And we get to be deeply selfish when we ask and plead for others to hold us when we can no longer hold it all on our own. Why can’t we be selfish for wanting more light over darkness?
I selfishly want more light over darkness. And more faith over fear. I pray everyone experiences this selfishness. Including you. 💕
The animal body does not allow for suicide with ease. It will do everything to save itself from death. To be able to take the life of our own animal body takes enormous courage and strength. One I hope we can help others channel into helping themselves and each other to not feel like that is the only choice left.
Thank you, Lynn. I completely understand where you’re coming from! ❤️🩹🫂
This is so beautiful and sick am important message. And I'm so sorry that you've endured all that you have. And also so grateful that you've become who you are. Both/both, friend. xoxo
Thank you for this. The pain gets too hard to bear and the only way out is out. My upcoming post is on Sophocles’ Ajax. The hero kills himself because he sees no place for himself in a world that’s changed. The playwright leaves it up to us to decide how we feel about his suicide.
Wow, Mesa. You shifted me. I love that. My father died by suicide, probably. I was so angry with him for so long. Also, under that, I was hurt that I wasn't enough for him to stay for. See, I was seventeen, so I didn't blame him for not staying as much as I blamed myself for not being enough - though honestly, both were there. After decades of healing, I did blame him for not having the courage to face himself and all the damage he had done in our family. I knew how painful it would be to heal that. I thought of it more like a burn patient who has to have their dressings changed every day. Painful and necessary. In those days, I saw him as unwilling, and I think that until I read this essay by you, some of that lingered. I'm amazed by all the loss you have suffered. I don't know how you survived that. Just having the one almost killed me. And now I can see the whole incident differently. Thank you.
I was 17 when I lost my dad too. I had so much hope that he’d find a way to be in my life one day.. and fix himself too. I’m so sorry you know that pain too. But I’m so glad I could help you a little bit. ❤️🩹 I’m really glad to know you, Susan. So much love to you. ❤️🩹❤️🩹🫂
Thanks, Mesa. I love you too.
I’m so sorry, Mesa, for all you have lost.
Thank you, Eileen. Me too you. 🩵🩵🩵🫂
I lost a great grandfather and great uncle to sucide. I wasn’t even born so I never knew them but it helped me understand my grandmother and mother years later.
I almost lost my dad , younger brother and first cousin to sucide. I often wondered like you did if it “ runs in the family.”
My heart goes out to everyone who is in so much pain and so desperate for relief that they feel like there is only one solution.
Thank you Mesa for the work you do and the beautiful words you write
Big hugs to you, Linda. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. <3
Mesa...I love this and thank you for being brave and tackling a challenging subject. The stigma of suicide needs to be changed as does the stigma of addiction. I feel strongly about both and hope I can support you in your efforts. After all, in my world, I have heard addiction described as "suicide in plain sight". And it is death by a thousand paper cuts. It is pain that we are trying to find a way out of and being told that we should be stronger or that we are morally flawed because we cannot overcome something that is heavily marketed to us as a way to escape pain and then told that "it isn't our fault you don't know how to use our product responsibly".
We are all trying to escape pain. And paid is ever more prevalent in today's world. A new definition, talking about pain instead of stigmatizing anyone's response, this is what needed to help us all find compassion for the truth that being human is the hardest job any of us will EVER have. Thank you again for the conversation.