Climbing That Depression Mountain
Flight, fight, freeze.
I don’t know what I want anymore. I had this clear picture in my head not long ago and now.. everything feels fuzzy. I know I want/need to write.
My words come out stilted these days. I feel silly writing some things (see last few pieces). I don’t know why I share some of the things I do.
Right now I coming down from a week full of flight, fight, freeze. Though it seems like that’s been the cycle for months now. The last few weeks took on a more personal nature. I still don’t think I’m quite out of survival mode yet.
The come down has me climbing up depression mountain.
The last month or so has left me battling with people’s words levied against me. Accused of gaslighting in the space I’ve felt the most seen. Accused of being no better than a trumplican when I let my anger fly over Gaza being invaded again during the ceasefire, and being mad about the election. Accused of holding a power I do not actually have and causing harm to people I don’t actually know. In all of the instances I have had to defend myself over and over.
Inner demons rearing their heads.
I’m tired.
I’m looking in the mirror and wondering about my part in all of it. How I can be so completely misunderstood. I feel a little lost. I know who I am- the core of me. I am not the things anyone else thinks of me - that I do know.
There is now a gray mist thats clinging to the things that matter to me. Dampening the joy I normally feel.
I’m angry too.
I’m angry at the tiny minded people who tried to come for me.
I’m angry at the stress causing my body to respond with the knot in my stomach, the cold hands and feet, the nausea, the dizziness, the shallow breathing, the muscle tension, the clenched jaw, the furrowed brow, and the absolute full body fatigue.
I do not have the capacity anymore for anything else. Texts and emails go unanswered. I’m being very selective and selfish now with my time and energy.
Staying alive is the priority.
The things keeping me going are simple- stories friends have written, books, chocolate, coffee, laughter. and music.
Maybe I also just need a nap.
Climbing that depression mountain with nothing but words as wings to give me some lift as I try to find my footing.
I, too, have misplaced my will to live lately.
And feel foggy and fatigued and unsure of myself.
Could be any number of reasons why.
Just hunker down and do what you need to do to get through this damn eclipse portal.
I understand. Take the time you need to heal. You are not alone.