A Man I Never Knew

I miss a man I never knew

He went by so many names and had so many faces

I wouldn’t have recognized him anyway

He was supposed to be the giver awayer

The first dancer

The holder of great wisdom

The Magic maker

The tree swing creator

The protector

The music teacher

The kindness giver

The bear hugger

The father

He had so many names and different faces

How could

I miss a man I never knew

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I have often wondered what I needed in my life from a father. I never saw what one was supposed to be, aside from the few my friends had. I was raised by my single grandmother for the most part. I had a few years of living with my mom and stepfather, but he never was fatherly towards me. The closest bonding experiences we had were when we’d play The Legend of Zelda (1985 version) and the roadtrip we went on to Northern California so he could drop me at my other grandmother’s house.

We bonded over troll dolls on that trip in 1989.

I have often wondered over the years what a father would mean to my life. After a few father-in-laws who didn’t see me as worthy of being fatherly towards, maybe I should have been better or more than I was. My father-in-law who died in December was a good man, he always wanted to know how I was doing. But due to estrangement in the family, I wasn’t around him often. Maybe that’s why I felt the loss so acutely.

Another opportunity missed to know a father.

A man I never knew.

The last memory I have of my father is from 1995 - I received two phone calls from him that year. On Valentine’s Day he reached out to tell me he wanted to know me, my life, what I was like. He told me he wanted to take me camping in his favorite place, the redwoods. I said I’d love that very much and couldn’t wait. His second call came in December around my 17th birthday. He was in the hospital with kidney and liver failure. He wished me a happy birthday and wanted me to know he loved me. I told him to get better soon because we had a camping trip to plan. He said he’d do his best.

He died on Christmas Eve in his favorite chair, after having taken a handful of pills with a beer. Out on his own terms.

I still have never made it to the redwoods.

And still I wonder…

How can I miss what I never knew?

Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash

Thanks for being here friends. I hope you’re all doing well or as well as you can be. Sending you all lots of love.